How to Help · Conversation Guide
What to Say (and What to Skip)
The words that help, and the ones that might just sting
Right now, your words carry more weight than usual. The good news is you don't have to be perfect, just thoughtful. Keep this cheat sheet handy, and you'll almost always land on the right side of a conversation.
The golden rule
When you're not sure what to say, choose curiosity over commentary. Ask about her instead of evaluating her.
01The everyday check-in
“How are you?” is kind, but it usually gets a reflexive “good, thanks.” Ask something she can actually sink into.
Try saying
Maybe skip
Try saying
“What's felt good this week?”
Maybe skip
“How are you feeling?”
Try saying
“What's on your mind today?”
Maybe skip
“You must be SO excited!”
A specific, gentle question invites a real answer. A giant one, or an assumed feeling, usually gets a shrug.
02When she's tired or struggling
The goal here isn't to cheer her out of the feeling. It's to make her feel normal, and not alone.
Try saying
Maybe skip
Try saying
“That sounds really hard. I'm here.”
Maybe skip
“At least the baby's healthy.”
Try saying
“You can find this hard and still be a good mom.”
Maybe skip
“Enjoy every minute, it goes so fast.”
Try saying
“What can I take off your plate?”
Maybe skip
“Just wait until the baby comes!”
Starting with “at least” tells her the feeling isn't allowed. Naming it tells her it is.
03About her body
Her body is doing something enormous and changing fast. Keep your comments off her size completely, even the ones that feel like compliments.
Try saying
Maybe skip
Try saying
“You look radiant.”
Maybe skip
“Wow, you're huge!” / “Twins in there?”
Try saying
“You're glowing.”
Maybe skip
“You've barely gained anything!”
Any remark about size, big or small, invites her to worry about it. Compliment her, never her measurements.
04Food, drinks, and choices
She's already being policed by strangers. Please don't be another voice at the table.
Try saying
Maybe skip
Try saying
“Can I grab you anything?”
Maybe skip
“Should you be eating that?”
Try saying
“Want me to make you a mocktail?”
Maybe skip
“One sip won't hurt, come on.”
She knows her own guidelines. Your job is to make her comfortable, not to keep score.
05The advice trap
This is the big one. Unless she asks, hold the advice, even the genuinely good advice.
Try saying
Maybe skip
Try saying
“Do you want ideas, or just to vent?”
Maybe skip
“You know what you should do...”
Try saying
“This helped me, but every pregnancy is different.” (only if she asks)
Maybe skip
“Well, when I was pregnant...”
Ask before you advise. Those five words, “do you want ideas,” change the whole conversation.
06Her decisions
How she births, feeds, and names her baby are all hers. Support the decision, not the one you would have made.
Try saying
Maybe skip
Try saying
“You're going to be a wonderful mom.”
Maybe skip
“You're really not finding out the sex?”
Try saying
“However you feed that baby is right.”
Maybe skip
“You're going to breastfeed, right?”
Try saying
“I love that name.”
Maybe skip
“Hmm. Interesting choice.”
Your approval isn't required, but your support means everything.
07The waiting game
In the final weeks, the “still no baby?” messages pile up fast. Flip the script and give her calm instead of a countdown.
Try saying
Maybe skip
Try saying
“Thinking of you. No need to reply.”
Maybe skip
“Still pregnant?? Any day now!”
Try saying
“I'm on call whenever you need me.”
Maybe skip
“Have you tried [x] to get things going?”
Try saying
“Can I come distract you with [insert her favorite activity]?”
Maybe skip
“That baby's going to be walking soon!”
She is more ready to be done than you are. Take the pressure off, don't add to it.
08When something is hard
Sometimes the news is scary or heartbreaking: a complication, a NICU stay, a loss. In those moments, less is more. Be present, and resist the urge to explain it away.
Try saying
Maybe skip
Try saying
“I'm so sorry. I'm here for whatever you need.”
Maybe skip
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Try saying
“You don't have to say anything. I'm not going anywhere.”
Maybe skip
“At least you can try again.”
There's no silver lining to hand her, and reaching for one only hurts. Your steady presence is the comfort.
Three questions that always work
Keep these in your back pocket
- “You're doing an amazing job.”
- “I'm here.”
- “That makes complete sense.”
- “You don't have to have it all figured out.”
- “I'm so proud of you.”
When you're not sure what to say, you really can't go wrong with this: get curious about her, and remind her she's not alone. 🤍
Keep going
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